Watch me pull this rug out from under you.

I had a terrible weekend, like going-down-in-the-history-of-my-life-worst-weekends type weekend. It wasn't the worst, but it ranks WAY up there - probably number 2 or 3.

Sometimes I hate this blog, because it allows me just enough freedom to say something, but not enough to spill my guts, and it's frustrating to me. I think it would be nice, and easier, to let people know me that way, but I also think it's a bit insane to even contemplate allowing strangers to know you that way.

I don't know, but I know that something I thought isn't what I thought, and I think that is a direct result of my nature of being too afraid to say what I want, what I need and what I feel when I want, need and feel them. I guess this is something I need to work on in the future, because I've had to learn a tough lesson at a great expense.

Nice and cryptic, huh? Sorry, not my intention, but it's the ying/yang blog problem mentioned above. Anyway, needless to say, my state of mind is not good, I'm tired, sad, empty, and feel like a giant robot going through the motions of my day, trying to make nice and pretend all is well with the world.

I'm going to head to bed, I have to get up early tomorrow and see the accountant. I know, it's a VERY exciting life I lead.... cats, accountants, working, woo-hoo.

Uh... Wednesday Five?

I completely forgot to check these out on Friday... so here ya go.

1. Are you superstitious?
Somewhat. I won't go out of my way to walk under a ladder, step on cracks, break mirrors, or any of that stuff. I think I inherited it from my greatgrandmother. I throw salt over my shoulder and all that stuff, too. Okay, yeah... I am. Happy???

2. What extremes have you heard of someone going to in the name of superstition?
I haven't personally heard anything too nutsy, just the normal avoidance things.

3. Believer or not, what's your favorite superstition?
I always enjoyed the itchy nose means you're going to kiss a fool (or get money, but I always think of fool kissing first).

4. Do you believe in luck? If yes, do you have a lucky number/article of clothing/ritual?
I do believe in luck. I play a lucky roulette number in Vegas (29 - In Vegas I've played it 6 times, straight bet, and won 4 of the times... so I'm a big fan of that one, just wish I had the guts to bet more!!!) I have jewelry that I consider good luck, and I don't like being without it at all. No rituals as far as I can think.

5. Do you believe in astrology? Why or why not?
I do believe in astrology in a way. If I read my sign, and other signs, I REALLY match mine, and don't match well with others (and that goes for negative traits, so I don't think I'm just agreeing with what I "want" to be). I have found in my life that I tend to find deeper friendships with certain signs, but I don't think that means I can't have them with others... it's just worked out that way. I will read a horoscope from time to time, but I don't expect it all to happen, it's just something cool to entertain.

I feel the same way about fortune cookies, and I save the fortunes I like. :) One of the best I've had is "You make people realize that there exist other beauties in the world." How cool is that??

Okay, I changed the side graphic.

Definately not southwestern, but I think I hear circus music.

I've never felt so lost.... *sniff, sniff*

Pink, pink you stink.

Yeah, I had to get rid of that super-bright pink up there. I think this tone works a bit better.

Whew, that was buggin' me.

Holiday. Celebrate.

Okay, not that kind of holiday really. I didn't do a hell of a lot today. I got up late (viva la working from home), did some work, thought about doing some rearranging of my office, thought about not doing it, didn't do it, watched tv, tried to eat dinner (3 attempts, all not what I wanted), and here I am.

Wow, what a life.

Well, the nails have been done since Thursday, and I don't know... the jury is out. They feel ok, and they look pretty much ok, but I'm just not convinced they're me. I'm going to stick it out a while longer and see how it goes. I can't see me keeping them for a long time though, it's just sort of too high maintenance for me I think.

I have friends heading off to FL soon, and my internal itching for a vacation makes me want to go.... but work obligations (projects ending during the trip), and desire to go just about anyplace other than FL (no offense FL-idians, just not my ideal spot) is going to be keeping me home.

Ideally this year I'd like to hit CA (twice?? maybe more!?), Vegas, Atlantic City, and who knows what else. I'm really, really, really wanting to do a PCH trip in CA, and I'm hoping that schedules allow me to pull that off in the next few months. **fingers crossed**

Hmmm.... can't think of anything much more to report from this side, so I guess I'll sign off for now and catch you cats later. :)

Burning eyes, sleepy mind.

I don't know why, but I'm BEAT tonight, and my eyes are burning out of my head. I don't think I'm sick, just tired.

I made myself some yummy dinner, but ate too much of it (I didn't think two small bowls was going to be too much, who knew?)... now my belly hurts. I guess I'm belly-aching! **insert laugh track here**

I'm going tomorrow to get my nails done. This isn't really something I do, but I figured I'd give it a shot and see how it goes. The... hmm, maybe 3 times? I've done this in the past I end up picking the nails off within about 3-5 days of getting them done. I talked to the girl last week, she was super nice, and seems to think she can help me keep them going. If not, I'll just go back to her, have them removed, and start getting a manicure every week. The winter and typing so much is just a nightmare on my nails, so I thought I'd give some little shot at improving them. Maybe I'll do a little before and after shot so you can see the difference. They definately won't be LONG, I hate that, and I am far too utilitarian to have those.

Hmmm, what else???

Gay marriage update here in MA. It's going sort of ok. Our constitutional convention started today, which is where they could possibly present the ammendment that would define marriage as a union between man and woman. However, it seems the Speaker of the House and some other big mucky muck have a little plan to avoid actually presenting that piece of legistlation. I don't really quite get why, since they are both against gay marriage, but that seems to be the word on the street. Meanwhile, today they voted on two different thingamabobs (I'm VERY technical, try to keep up) and neither passed. One was a definate provision supporting only civil unions, the other was a similar motion, but I believe it was a bit less inclusive. So, these two things failing seem to leave our court ruling mandating gay marriage well in place.

The votes today were VERY close, and it's got both sides pretty nervous. Understandable, people really feel these issues close to heart. The rumblings that the constituntional ammendment won't even be proposed is REALLY pissing off the anti-gay marriage side, saying of course that they should have a say in whether this is allowed, etc.

Okay, I think that's all I have on that.

I guess Toy*ota has some new car thingy that you can customize a bunch of junk on, it's only about 16 grand, not bad for a new car. I haven't looked at it yet... it's sort SUVish, but it looked small on the tv. I'm not sure a fatty would fit.

Valentine's Day is pretty much upon us again, so have a happy one to all the couples and lovers out there... enjoy! Guys, don't forget your gal, it's a big no-no. Girls, do something nice for your guy too, everyone likes to feel appreciated.

And guys, just a warning, if you're ever my Valentine (like THAT's gonna happen, the girl of one Valentine EVER) - don't get me any piece of jewelry advertised on TV as a cherished memory that comes with a keepsake box. I'm not that kind of chick. ; )

It's Friday!

Time for questions.

1. What's the most daring thing you've ever done?
Hmmm, good question. For me, I would have to say it's probably my website. It may not seem particularly daring to you guys, but to me, it's very much so. I love my site, and I find it a good place to stretch my wings, explore new ideas, create, etc... but it's also rather out of character for me to be this OUT THERE. I'm pretty shy in person, and this site as it exists now is always a bit like a tightrope act for me.

2. What one thing would you like to try that your mother/friend/significant other would never approve of?
I'm not sure on this... my friends are supportive of anything I'd want to do (that's not going to hurt me of course), and my family is supportive as well. I'll have to think.

3. On a scale of 1-10, what's your risk factor? (1=never take risks, 10=it's a lifestyle)
I was closer to a 8 in my early 20s, I'd say now I'm about a 4... I like to be spontaneous, but it's not really risky.

4. What's the best thing that's ever happened to you as a result of being bold/risky?
The site. It's opened up my life in ways that I can't even comprehend, just in terms of my own contentment and understanding of myself and my body. Taking the step of putting myself out there has been a HUGE reward.

5. ... and what's the worst?
The negativity that comes from the site. It's not much in comparison to the positive, but it factors in. Being a poster child for people with eating disorders to continue on with them, being the object of message board joke strings, hate mail from strangers who just HAVE to reach out and share their complete disgust... I'd say those are the negatives. But for every one of those, there are hundreds of people who are entertained or inspired, or just educated a little... so that makes up for it. :)

I have a happy gay marriage smile today.

Oh yes I do! MA is in the midst of figuring out how to deal with the gay marriage issue, and I must say, it's looking really, really good for now. Good meaning that gay couples will be able to marry here... I guess I needed to clarify which side of this I land on.

I feel very strongly that anyone should be able to marry. It's hard enough to find someone you WANT to marry and who wants to marry you, never mind getting to that point to be told you can't because one of you is not the correct sex.

I'm sure some of you don't agree, and that's fine... opinions are all over the place, but it's my blog, and I am doing a happy dance today.

Here is an article with a decent run down of the situation - http://aolsvc.news.aol.com/news/article.adp?id=20040204112209990001

What it basically says is that our supreme court says that merely granting a civil union is unconstitutional, it MUST be a marriage just like any other. The state legislature is attempting to draft a constitutional ammendment saying that the definition of marriage is a man and woman, but you see, they can't get a vote from the people on that until 2006. The court says that in MAY the state must begin issuing marriage licenses to any couples... straight or gay. Soooo, it seems we have a LARGE window coming up where gay people will be getting married in the state of MA.

If this works, I'm going to be really proud to be in a state that is first to grant an actual marriage license to gay couples. If it gets overturned later, I will of course be ashamed and disgusted. To do my part I have written to my Senator and expressed my views.

I guess what really bothers me is that a bunch of lawmakers are attempting to go out of their way to change our constitution to include discrimination that does not already exist. In this day and age, I just find that reprehensible. If the language was there, and they weren't willing to go out of their way to change it... that's a whole different ballgame.

Anyway, for the conservatives that I've miffed... oh well. LOL ; )