BAAAHHH!!! And Hold Your Comments. :)

Okay, I just f*cking posted this, but it somehow didn't make it through cyberspace. So here I go again.

For those of you who have asked... nooooo, I didn't take out the comments. Honestly I love them, makes this more fun for me. :)

I checked into the problem, and Haloscan is doing some server work. I think they got a bit too big, too fast... so they're playing catch up. They are back up (the delay you may have had getting to this page on MY site was because they were down and my pages weren't getting any answers to queries for comments and one image). Soo, I think the delay is fixed, and they assure users that comments are not lost... and will be restored.

Hopefully it will be back to normal soon. :)

One step forward, 12 steps back.

Soooo, got yet another email from The Maury show today, they never stop. They contact me about every 2-3 months about the "Opposites Attract" show... which is pointless because I don't have a boyfriend, but still pointless because after knowing others who have gone on now, I doubt I would ever do that.

But today, this is the email I got:
Hello AnnMarie, my name is Holly. I am a production assistant at a nationally syndicated talk show in NYC known as the Maury Povich Show. I got your email off of the web. You look awesome and we think you would be
perfect for a show that we are putting together for next week. You would be working on a secret crush show as a decoy. We would even get you into the city depending on where you are from. Please get back in touch with me asap
and I can fill you in on all of the details and you can let me know if it is something you are interested in.Compensation is provided for (the pay is very good) It is going to be a lot of fun. I look forward to hearing from you as soon as possible. (contact info deleted) Thanks again. Holly

And this was my response:
Hi Holly,

I appreciate the contact, but I will not put myself in a position to be the butt of a joke on national television. If you at "Maury" ever decide to do a size positive show about men who truly love large women (there are TONS of them)... and women who appreciate that, please feel free to let me know.

Meanwhile, the idea of being the "thank GOD it's not her" girl is not only unappealing to me, it's downright insulting. Would the Maury show use a disabled person as the punchline of that joke? I think not. I understand the idea of good tv, but perpetuating a myth of fat=undesirable is in direct opposition to everything I believe, and what my entire website (where you found me) is about. People need to see another way of thinking, not have that same old idea reinforced time and time again.

Sincerely,
AnnMarie

I sort of doubt I'll hear back. :) LOL

But honestly (and I know some people have done this schtick on the show before), I really feel like putting myself up there to be the "oh MY GOD!!!!" girl is so directly oppposed to how I feel about myself. I know damn well I would be a horror date to many, if you don't like big chicks you are NOT going to want to see me. I have NOOOO problem with that, to each his own. As I've said before, I'm not here to convert anyone. But to play up that role, I will not contribute to that. People already think that, and if there is even one large woman out there who is teetering on the fence about whether she can be desireable... what if that guy's reaction to me makes her give up? His disappointment or shock could be enough to make that girl (probably many) pack it in.

Everyone can make their own calls, but I just wanted to share mine.

Eewwww. Creepy Crawlies.

I was just talking to my friend about her FL vacation and the cockroach issue she had at the place she stayed. I can't take it, my skin is squirming. I don't like bugs. I'm not a screamer or jump on a chair type girl, but I don't like them. But roaches... oh yeah, you want to hear my scream like a 4 year old?? That's the way. I can't take it at all.

I once got a new apartment, and there was NOTHING in it... not a damn thing. I hate bugs so much, that when I look at places to rent, I check cabinets and drawers for droppings and bugs, and move the fridge out... I'm not taking any chances. So, this new place was free and clear. I bought a new rug, and brought it by the place. I unrolled it... and across it goes flying a roach, he scurried off under the heater.

Now, my logical mind knows this guy came from the rug, probably in the warehouse, etc. But no way... now there is a roach in the place. I started crying hysterically (pathetic, yes?? :) and ran out. I called the landlord, insisted that the entire place be fumigated before I moved in, and even then, I was uneasy about it. It's just one of those things... I'd be more likely to just burn all of my belongings and start new than risk bugs. IIccckkkk.

That was one nice thing about having the cat... you always knew when there was a bug (fly, spider, etc) because she'd chase them around and play with them. :) I still have no word on the cat front, I never got a letter back from my landlord in response to my request. I guess it's a holding pattern for now.

Okay, making baked ziti, better get started. :)

Single + !!!!

Yup, that's sort of how I feel about today. It's Valentine's Day, which I love the idea of. I'm definately not one of those single girls who is anti-Valentine's. I think it's a sweet day, only accentuated when you're actually WITH someone... lol.

Even if I was involved right now, I'm just not one of those girls who has to have stuff on a day like this. I mean a card, or a sweet gesture, etc. would be fine with me. Paying 125 bucks for roses today that will be 25 next week seems a bit silly to me (unless you've just got money to burn I suppose.)

The title up above it sort of how I feel about today. It's not that today sucks, or that it's depressing. It just takes the daily "single" status up a notch to "single!!!!". It just sort of puts it in the spotlight for a day. :)

I went with a friend yesterday and we jazzed up a hotel room for a friend of ours and her visiting sweetie. It was so fun. We scattered rose petals, put out tons of candles, chocolate, champagne.... very nice. And although it was a bit of a twinge, knowing I wasn't going to have anything like that this year... lol, it was so nice to see her face and how pretty the room turned out. It was really nice to contribute to making their Valentine's Day special.

Everyone gets to participate in today, you just have to be creative. :)

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you!! :) Don't do anything I wouldn't ;)

Engrish.

I was talking to this guy last night, really nice... and today he has a link posted to this site... Engrish.com. This may be the funniest stuff I have seen in about a year, maybe more. I am almost crying I'm laughing so hard.

Right now, the winner in the laugh fest is this Hate Myself.

For any of you who don't know me personally, and wonder what my humor is like... this is it... you're looking at it. If you don't find this site side-achingly humorous, we're just not on the same wavelength.

Ooo, check out the Mr. Friendly wallet, too. Where can I get my hands on this stuff??? Ahhh haaa. :) Actually they sell the tshirt I love, but only to an XL, so I'm outta' luck.

:)

In my head.

Well, I just finished watching Sha**ow H*l (did that deliberately to avoid search engine hits) for the first time from beginning to end, and with no one else around. I have some really strong reactions, but they are not to "the movie" in terms of what it means, if it's offensive, etc. That isn't where it left my head.

My feelings are based on two parts of the movie: when he is wooing her, and when he has abandoned it. (I'm just going to use he and she because I'm only talking about the two main characters.)

I'm going to try to avoid using WE here, but it may happen because this is real stream of consciousness for me - but I am really speaking about myself and my own experiences and feelings.

The wooing is very odd for me to watch. The mind of a fat girl is a strange place I think. After years of viewing yourself in a certain way, with a certain place in society, it is very hard to suspend disbelief at having a new place. I think I'm a good example of this. I KNOW there are FAs, I know them, I've met them, I've been involved with a wonderful one, and REALLY hope to be again someday, etc... I know how it works. I know it is genuine, completely legit. But yet, no matter how much I know that, there is this tiny little part of my head that will always, always be surprised by it. I still am pleasantly shocked when I get a compliment. The niceness of that feeling never wears off for me. It's not because of damage, it's not an emotional scar. It's complete conditioning to thinking one way for well over 20 years. I am nice, and funny.... those are my roles. I even have a pretty face... oh that's so nice. But being pursued, being sought after.... someone TRYING to be with me, it's still something that is there in a "oh right, that happens... right... I know, yes... ok, got it... " It's like learning something over and over and over again, because your mind is so conditioned otherwise.

Listening to her tell him not to tease her, to say it was mean to say she was pretty... I know those words. I know that feeling. And the feeling is terrible. It's like hearing what you've dreamed of, but as a terrible mean joke. For those of you guys out there who have so much trouble meeting big girls, or they don't believe you when you approach them... I'm so sorry. I wish there was an easy answer to that, but if you could get in our heads for a bit you'd see it so clearly. It's not YOU trying to reach THEM, it's your little tiny voice trying to get through millions of others. You almost can't be heard, and certainly not believed right off the bat. It takes hundreds of your voices to work on that, to yell through all that clatter and try to get that tiny message through. It seems impossible. And for some, it is. Some girls are never going to know, they're never going to hear the message. It sucks.

When I see posts about "saw a pretty girl, what could I have done?" I want to scream at the top of my lungs. SAY HI TO HER AND SMILE. It costs you NOTHING to do that, and you could literally make a girls month, a year... you have no idea what a kind face and word can do. If she's a girl who is down on herself, or who doesn't know anything about "this" world.... if she is face to the floor all day to avoid disapproving stares, if she hides in huge clothes and hair all down in her face.... trying to block out the world... this girl could have a nice experience by having a nice greeting. I'm not saying it's charity... it's just being kind to someone. I had someone do that to me in a museum parking lot, he actually hit on me, but I will never, ever, ever forget it. And my reaction at the time... well, it wasn't good. I practically screamed at him to go away (gut reaction, I felt defensive). But later, and even today... I think about that guy. I think about the guts it took, and when I realized... I felt good. I was stunned that someone would go out of their way to talk to me based on what he saw. I guess what I mean is that it won't always be about you and getting something, but on the off chance that encounter makes someone feel a bit better... just try it. You're not risking anything.

I'm sure many of you are reading this like "good God woman, what is up with you?" but I feel this so strongly. I just dislike the things left in my head sometimes.That girl is still in me, and she'll never really go away. I mean, she is a good part of me, a part that made me stronger, and helped me become who I am... but her skeptical nature, and her desire to find what "others" have is always there. It's like a 1% piece of me now, but it's really vibrant when it acts up. There are fat girls out there reading this nodding their heads. Most of us know the deal.

The second part, the part where he basically leaves her.... well, that's the other part that struck me hard. I think that it's sort of like the end of the faerie tale. I know it's not logical, but once again.... that girl who lives in me, she's expecting that. She is expecting the day when the guy you're with suddenly 'wakes up' and realizes that you're a fat girl. It makes NO sense, I can't explain it. And it makes even less sense when you're dating an FA... when you date a guy who spends 80% of his time with you rubbing arm and back fat, he KNOWS he's dating a fat girl. No doubt. LOL... but again, that part expects the coach to turn into a pumpkin, and it all goes away. It doesn't... it will end like any other relationship, you both move on and he's dating some other fat chick... LOL.... but that miniscule amount in me wouldn't be shocked if it did.

Okay, so I'm rambling here really bad, and I'm sorry about that... this was all swarming around in my head. But I really feel like any guy who reads this should know this stuff.... it's hard to get in the head of another, and I think some of these things hold true for some other girls, so maybe it will give you a little insight. I am a girl who's really happy with me, I like what I do, and who I am, and how I look.... I'm content with me. But even with all of that in order, I *still* have that part. I kind of like it though in a way... having it always reminds me of how far I've come in getting to know myself... I can easily look back on that place in me and know that life is much better now and I have more to give.

Night folks, and if you made it this far... well... lol... you're as demented or bored as me. :)